I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
