Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
