I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
