Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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