First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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