The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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