Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I supernannyed him into submission
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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