he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
