True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
