last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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