so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
