Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
