Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
