I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
