And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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