Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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