I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
