dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
