Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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