So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
