hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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