So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
