Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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