i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Randomize
