I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
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