i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Randomize
