The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
