so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
