When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
