I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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