i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
