I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Randomize
