Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize