Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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