walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
barbara walters just said penis...
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
