Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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