i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
