Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
