My Higher Power is John Stamos
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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