I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
