the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
