I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
