I could make wine with my vomit
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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