Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
