so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
The Olympian is in my bed
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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