There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Yo dont text me then not text me
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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