I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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