States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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