My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
A+ Viking dick
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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