How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
