My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I just gift wrapped bread.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
