omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize