I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
