So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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