I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
