Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
