When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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